I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Good relationships don’t keep score.

When we choose to hold on to wrongs done to us and hold them up against the list of good we’ve done, the results are skewed. We tend to only keep score of our good and their wrongs. This creates a negative loop when the truth is that relationships are complicated.

Thankfully, we don’t have to be an @$$ about it. We can drop the score keeping and embrace peace instead. Here’s how:

Recognize scorekeeping is impossible

There is a lot in life that happens behind the scenes. Relationships are complicated and often what is done for one another goes unnoticed. From small to large things, people contribute behind the scenes in ways you will never know. Perhaps they squelch a rumor by not repeating it. They may run interference protecting your time and fulfilling small tasks before you ever know it needs your attention. They take out the trash before it smells or fill the gas tank knowing you’ll be driving next.

It is impossible to keep score. In part because we all show our love for one another in different ways.

Stop competing

Relationships are not games that require a winner and a loser. You either win together or lose together. You are not opponents. You are companions. Start each day by approaching it as a team.

Work on communication

This is a hard one. The thing that is most uncomfortable is left unsaid, especially when it is the one thing that needs to be addressed. Often when we refuse to discuss hard topics untruths build up in our heads and we get stuck. Getting stuck leads to making lists that compare who the better partner is.

The conversations you have in your head may not reflect reality at all; a grumpy response could simply be the need for a snack. Hangry is a real thing. Ask what the other person is thinking. Once you are told, if you don’t understand, ask again. The worst that can happen is that your fears are confirmed, but at least then you know the truth.

Stop robbing yourself of peace by trying to mind read.

Learn their love language

There are five different love languages. Each of us communicates through either acts of service, physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation or gifts. If you are struggling to understand one another it may be because you speak different love languages.

Lucky for you, there is an app to fix that. Download the free Love Nudge.